Life Lessons
by HaveAHeart0301
Summary: Titania's boredom results in Mia and Lucia's torture. Probably not worth reading unless you're extremely bored...or you need to figure out how to get rid of a mountain lion in your mailbox, survive an avalanche, or you're somehow stuck inside a radio...
1. Mountain Lions?

**Life Lessons**

**Chapter One: Mountain Lions?**

_A/N: Well, to start off, my cousin (meguin the penguin) and I are working on this fic together. I think it was decided that we would both come up with the ideas and I would type it all out. Also, I don't own a large portion of this story. We actually came up with the idea from my sister. To explain this better, one day my sister and I were talking on the phone, and she told me these "important life lessons", which will be presented in this fic. This could be considered alternate universe, since, well, a lot of this wouldn't actually be happening in Fire Emblem..._

_My sister is cast as Titania, Meguin is Mia, and I'm Lucia._

_Anyway, here's how this will work... The first chapter will present the situation--given by Titania. Mia and Lucia will give their guesses, then reviewers get their shot at it. The next chapter will then provide the 'correct' solution (at least what my sister believes is correct), and will also have a new situation. Also, I'd ask that anyone I've previously told these life lessons to not guess in their review...since they actually know the answers..._

_And the beginning's not that great, considering I couldn't figure out an effective way to start this..._

_Okay, now that that's over with..._

_--_

The scarlet-haired paladin walked through the camp looking for some way to relieve her boredom. So far, she hadn't been able to find anything of interest to do. Sure she could nag Boyd for neglecting his training, but what fun would that be? Besides, said warrior was no where to be found. However, Titania's eyes brightened when she noticed the group's two female swordmasters sitting near the lake.

Mia had apparently heard her coming, considering she turned around. Lucia, on the other hand, mustn't have, for she jumped, tripped over her own feet, and would have fallen in the lake, had Mia not grabbed her arm.

"You're awfully jumpy today..."

"Oh, Titania, she's always like that."

Lucia rolled her eyes.

"Whatever, Mia. So, Titania, what is it that you need?"

"Well, truthfully, I was actually quite bored. I was hoping maybe we could 'hang out' as you young kids would say."

"Uhh...sure?"

"Great! You know, I probably have a lot of wisdom to offer you young girls. For example, do either of you know what to do in this situation...

"You're walking down the street to go mail a letter. You really need to get that letter mailed today. When you get to the post office, you open up the mailbox and there's a mountain lion inside. What do you do?"

"Uhh..."

"Why would there be a mountain lion in the mailbox...better yet, how would it _fit_ inside the mailbox?"

"Don't ask questions! I'm trying to help you out here!"

"Whatever then..."

"I have no clue..."

"Just guess! Mia, you first!"

"You run away screaming at the top of your lungs?"

"No! I said you really need to get the letter mailed! Lucia!"

"You use Geoffrey as bait to distract the mountain lion, throw the letter in the mailbox, then run away screaming?"

"So you'd just let the mountain lion eat your brother?"

"Uhh...yeah?"

"What kind of sister are you?!"

"Oh come on, Titania, this is pointless!"

"Yeah, will you just tell us?"

"Fine..."

--

_A/N: Nearly falling in the lake, very in character for me. Though I doubt Megan would save me...she'd probably push me in._

_Well, stay tuned to see the explanation to this situation, as well as how to survive an avalanche and how to get yourself out of a radio...don't ask. I didn't think of it._

_Also, I really hope Titania doesn't come and chop my head off for that reference about her being old..._

_And hopefully the next chapters will be more entertaining, because, well, this one seemed rather boring to me, actually. The radio one's probably my favorite._

_Anyway, before anyone complains about the length of this chapter, I will say that I didn't have much to work with. However, future chapters should be longer. Also, as you can tell, I also have very long and very boring author's notes. Sorry, but you'll have to live with that..._

_Okay, I'm finished. Reviews are appreciated (especially considering I want to see if anyone can solve this). :D_


	2. Avalanche

**Life Lessons**

**Chapter Two: Avalanche**

_A/N: Well, here it is! I know you've all been dying to read this...yes, that's sarcasm. I'd like to point out that spygirly was the only one to get the correct answer...though if it had been up to me, Aquatic-Idealist's friend or A Phoenix Tear would've had it right._

_Anyway..._

_--_

Both swordswomen looked at the red-haired paladin expectantly. She twirled a loose piece of her hair on her finger.

"Titania?"

"Oh, yes? What were we talking about again?"

"A mountain lion in a mailbox..."

"Huh? You girls must be crazy..."

"Your life lessons."

"Oh! Right! Okay, so here's what you do... You take a knife, gun, toothpick...whatever you happened to have with you, and either kill it or chop its head off."

"That's...it? But wait...it's still in the mailbox."

"Yeah, but it's not alive or anything and can't bite your hand off."

"But that's just cruel! That poor mountain lion! Titania, how could you be so cruel?"

"Oh shut up, Lucia. It's just a mountain lion..."

Mia received a quick whack to the back of the head.

"Mountain lions have feelings too!"

"Well too bad. On to my next lesson!"

"What?! More of them?"

"Uhh...yeah. You girls obviously have _a lot_ to learn if you couldn't get that simple answer. I mean, it was _so_ obvious."

Both younger women looked at their third companion in disbelief.

_She's joking, right?_

--

"Okay, here's your new situation...

You're climbing up a mountain--"

"Wait, why are we climbing up a mountain?"

"Because you're a mountain climber, duh! Now be quiet; I'm trying to teach you important life lessons!"

Lucia rolled her eyes as Titania continued.

"Okay, so as I was saying, you're climbing up a mountain. Suddenly, there's an avalanche. What do you do?"

"Uhh..."

"How are we supposed to know?"

"Yeah! You're not giving us much to go on here."

"Fine, since you're beginners at this, I'll give you a hint."

"Okay..."

"You have a backpack with you. In the backpack, you have these items: a Power Bar, a twig, a doll, and a piece of dental floss."

"You can't be serious... How are any of those supposed to help us?"

"Why do we have a doll?"

"Because."

"That doesn't help!"

"Just use your brains...this is so simple I'm sure even you girls could think of _something_."

"Wait, are you calling us stupid?"

"Yes, Mia, she is."

"Come on, think!"

Titania tapped her foot against the ground impatiently.

"Okay, let's see... You eat the Power Bar...use the dental floss to floss your teeth. Umm...get rid of the doll and snap the twig in half. Wait, that doesn't get you anywhere."

"You're right, it doesn't. Mia, what do you think?"

"You use the dental floss to cut the Power Bar in half so you can have half and the doll can have the other half. Then you use the twig to dig your way out of the snow?"

"That's...ridiculous. Can't you girls do any better? This isn't rocket science or anything like that! You'd think that one of Crimea's tacticians who has her own spy network and ...a member of the Greil Mercenaries... would be bright enough to figure something this simple out! Boyd and Gatrie could probably get these!"

"Well, if they weren't so ridiculous and odd, maybe we would be able to get them. But seriously, why would there be a mountain lion in a mailbox, or why would we be climbing up a mountain for no reason?!"

"Fine, if you don't want my wisdom, I can just leave."

"No, Titania. Just tell us."

"Okay, so it's like this..."

--

_A/N: This one wasn't very long, but I couldn't remember the whole conversation (though the part where Titania was explaining it was in exact words...). I think I got all the major parts though...there's an avalanche and you have those four items. Yep._

_As for Lucia's response to the mountain lion thing...that was pretty much my response. Well, I didn't whine or anything, but it was close._

_Anyway, try to have your reviews/guesses in soon. The sooner I get them, the sooner I'll be able to update. And as of right now, there will only be two more chapters...since I only have one more lesson (which happens to be my favorite because we learn so many 'interesting' and 'true' facts about radios). That is, unless my sister comes up with more._


	3. Radios and Garden Gnomes?

**Life Lessons**

**Chapter Three: Radios and…Garden Gnomes?**

_A/N: Well, this would have been up sooner, but I lost the paper it was written down on. As for getting this right, no one did, but as Nami-san625 said, how could I expect anyone to get something this crazy? Anyway, enjoy the second to last chapter!_

_--_

"Okay, so you have a doll, a twig, a Power Bar, and a piece of dental floss. The obvious answer is that you tie the floss to the doll and throw it off the side of the mountain, because why would you have a doll with you anyway? Then you eat the Power Bar and jump out of the snow."

"What in the world…??"

"Wait, what happened to the twig?"

"What twig?"

"You just said there was a twig!"

"No I didn't."

"Yeah, you did…"

"Are you arguing with your teacher?"

"Umm…"

"Mia, don't challenge my authority!"

"How is she challenging your authority?"

"Oh, so now you're doing it too. Ungrateful brats!"

"Right. Are we done here?"

"No! I'll give you the simplest of lessons yet… Go somewhere else for the time being, but be sure to come back here as soon as I call for you."

"Okay?"

"Go! Now!"

Both women darted off, fearing Titania's wrath and sudden outbursts.

--

Mia shook her head as she walked along towards the town.

_Mountain lion in a mailbox, when are you ever going to deal with that? I mean, seriously…how would a mountain lion even fit in a mailbox? And why would it just randomly climb into a mailbox?_

As she was so lost in her thoughts, she didn't even notice Mist running from the other direction and they smacked into each other, both falling to the ground.

"Oh! Sorry, Mia! I was just in a hurry!"

"Really? Why?"

"Haven't you heard? Skrimir's in the mailbox and won't let anyone mail their letters!"

"He what?"

"Skrimir's hiding in the mailbox!"

"Aaaaahhh!!! Noo!!!"

Mia dashed off back towards the camp, leaving Mist completely confused.

"What's her problem? Ah, well, I guess."

--

_Titania is a complete lunatic!_

"Hey, Lucia, mind if I walk with you?"

The woman turned around to see Boyd running up along side her.

"Uh…I guess not."

"Great! So, I see you and Mia have been talking with Titania a lot lately…"

"Yeah, she's completely psychotic."

"Really? Why do you say that?"

"Well, she's trying to teach us these 'life lessons' of hers, and they're insane. I mean, her answers don't even make sense! To get a mountain lion out of a mailbox, why would you--"

"You slice it's head off!"

"Uh…right. Lucky guess. But anyway, how are a Power bar, twig, dental floss, and doll useful to help you escape an avalanche? I mean, seriously!"

"Oh come on, Lucia. That's easy. A Power bar, twig, dental floss, and doll… You just tie the floss to the doll, throw it off the side of the mountain, eat the Power bar, and jump out of the snow. Duh!"

"Yeah, well what about the twig?"

"What twig?"

"The twig!"

"I don't know what you're talking about…"

"You just said there was a twig! I even said there was a twig!"

"I never said that…"

"Yes, you did!"

"Yeah, there's definitely something wrong with your mind…"

"Are you implying that I'm crazy?"

"Uhh…no?"

"Ugh! Whatever."

Just as Lucia stomped off, Mist came out from behind a tree.

"I see the plan worked."

"Yep, now she thinks she's insane! Ha! How'd it go with Mia?"

"She ran off screaming."

"Haha! I guess we'd better go tell Titania…"

"Yeah."

--

"The weirdest thing just happened to me…" Mia stated as she sat down next to Lucia.

"Yeah, me too… What happened?"

"Okay, I was just walking along, and Mist ran right in to me."

"Oh…?"

"That's not it. She said Skrimir was hiding in the mailbox."

"No way! Did they get him out?"

"I don't know… So what were you going to tell me?"

"Oh, right. Well, Boyd came up to me and I was talking about Titania's 'lessons' and he knew exactly what you were supposed to do! I mean, he even forgot the twig, and then denied it!"

"That's really weird."

"I know, Titania's definitely up to something."

"Did I hear my name?"

They both turned around and rolled their eyes when they saw the older woman.

"Oh, you guys must be really excited!"

"Huh?"

"You rolled your eyes! When people roll their eyes when you're talking, it means they're really interested in what you have to say!"

"Uhh…right…"

"Yeah…sure…"

"So are you ready for your last lesson?"

"_Last_ lesson?"

"Yep!"

"Okay."

"Yeah, definitely."

"Great! So here it is… You wake up from a long, peaceful nap, when suddenly, you hear music playing. As you look around, you realize that…you're stuck inside a radio!"

"What?"

"You're…stuck inside a radio!"

"Yeah, we get that part, but how?"

"How doesn't matter! You're in there, now figure out how to get out!"

"Uhh…sure…"

"Okay, since you guys are so awful at this, I'll give you some hints. Here are the items you have with you… A toothbrush, on-the-go peanut butter, and cozy socks--only one pair."

"Why would I have those items with me when I fell asleep?"

"Because, I said so! Now, what do you do?"

"Umm… Okay, I've got this one. You smear the peanut butter _all_ over your face, so a random dog will smell it and come attack your face. You throw the toothbrush at the speaker part, so the dog will chase after it and bust through the speaker. Then you can put the socks on your hands and walk out of the radio while doing a cartwheel!"

"Mia…you're insane."

"Well, do you have anything better?"

"Umm…let's see… You smear the peanut butter all over the inside of the radio, so it attracts Geoffrey…because he owns the radio. Then, when he bends down to look to see what's going on, you shove the toothbrush through, hopefully poking him in the eye. He'll get really mad, and rip the radio apart, so you can just jump out. And then you get to throw the socks at him!"

"Not quite… Actually, not even close. You'd think that after all this time, you girls would be able to come up with something sensible."

"Sensible? Sensible?! You call your answers sensible?!"

"Yeah, of course."

"Okay, since we're so unworthy, just tell us what it is."

"Okay, well, you have to…"

--

_A/N: Megan: Can I sharpen my pencil?  
__Teacher: Don't challenge my authority, Megan!_

_Yes, that conversation between Megan and her teacher inspired that part. It also inspired the scene between Skrimir and Soren in Of Peace and War. But anyway, I hope you all enjoyed this insane chapter, and I'll be looking forward to your guesses--and by the way, there's a slight hint in the chapter title!_


	4. Titania's Mental Health is Questioned

**Life Lessons**

**Chapter Four: The One Where I'm Sure Lucia and Mia Would Like to Bang Their Heads Against the Closest Random Object and Everyone Questions Titania's Mental Health**

_A/N: Okay, now that that long chapter title has been typed up, I'd like to remind everyone that this is the last chapter. Sad, I know. Okay, not really I'm sure. I'd also like to point out that I forgot to add in the last chapter that Skrimir in the mailbox was something Blue Orbi Angel had mentioned. Aside from that, I really don't have much else to say, so enjoy!_

_--_

"So here's what you do… You smear the peanut butter on the speakers, which causes the owner of the radio to come over. Then, you shove the toothbrush out of the speakers.

"Oh, I should probably point out the commonly known fact that gnomes magically control radios…because they do. And that means that you can't just bust out of the speakers without getting zapped or something.

"So that's what the toothbrush is for. Because…when you shove the toothbrush out of the speakers, you'll attract the owner's attention. But then, you shove yourself in the cozy socks…one over your head, one over your feet.

"Those socks create a barrier that will protect you against the gnomes' magic. Next, you need to make a hole in the speakers with the toothbrush. So, you shove yourself out of the hole--don't forget to tuck and roll.

"Now, you may be wondering what you do after that. You've already got the owner's attention, which is a good thing. You'll need them to pull the socks off of you--but they'll probably faint first, so don't be alarmed; just wait there patiently. But after they take the socks off of you, take them out to Sonic to get a cherry limeade.

"And don't forget…radios contain a 30% off coupon for Circuit City, so be sure to grab that while you're in there…all those savings can add up, you know!"

The swordswomen just stared at Titania after her long and ultimately confusing explanation. The scarlet-haired woman looked at them expectantly, but upon receiving no reply, she crossed her arms.

"Oh come on…don't tell me you guys didn't understand a word I just said! It made perfect sense!"

"Umm…Titania, have you ever been hit on the head with something before?"

"Or better yet, dropped on your head?"

"Excuse me? What exactly are you trying to say?"

"Well, umm…"

"Mia, there's no point in trying to be nice. Titania, you're just a complete lunatic. Why Greil ever hired you, I'll never know. Why Ike keeps you in the mercenaries…well, I'll never even begin to grasp that. In fact, you should get some help. I mean, seriously. There has to be something wrong with you. First, a mountain lion in a mailbox, then an avalanche where you have completely random and useless items available to you, next paying Boyd and Mist to go along with your idiotic scheme, and now…this…this wacky idea that people can get stuck inside radios and must watch out for the gnomes that control them?! You're insane! No, beyond insane! You're like…a psycho!"

"WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?! Are you actually questioning my sanity?!"

"Uhh…no? No, not at all! Hahaha…"

"I suppose you think I'm old too, don't you?"

"Umm…"

"Yeah, you're totally old! I'm surprised you can even walk, you're so old!"

"WHAT?!?!?!!"

"Oh, no, Mia…run!!"

The two younger women raced off, attempting to dodge the hand axes Titania threw at them as they ran away. Boyd and Mist laughed off in the distance as everyone else watched in shock.

"I could have warned them, but no… No one ever listens to Boyd…he's just a big fool, they say!"

"You _are_ a big fool, Boyd."

Mist giggled as Geoffrey and Ike walked up to them.

"Oh no, Titania's gone crazy again. We really should get her some help…"

"She's always like this then?"

"Well, not always. Just when someone calls her insane…or old. I believe she takes more offense at the last one…"

"I suppose I should go stop her from killing my sister then…"

"If that's what you want… Lucia did say she would sacrifice you to a mountain lion though."

"She what?! What kind of older sister is she?! Fine, let Titania get a hold of her! In fact, if Titania doesn't kill her, I will!"

"Uhh…right."

Boyd leaned over and whispered in Mist's ear.

"Maybe we should get him committed too…"

"Yeah, maybe."

They both laughed at the fact and continued to watch Mia and Lucia beg for Titania's mercy.

--

_A/N: Tada… Not very long, but I didn't have much to work with. And now, this is one more fic off my in-progress list…I believe I have eight left? I'm not sure. Oh well._

_Lucia and Mia seemed to fit my and Megan's personalities well too. Because Megan likes to make fun of the elderly (seriously, she did that when we were in a parking lot somewhere and I smacked her…I think. Maybe I just yelled at her and told her to be quiet. I can't remember.) and I'm just plain mean…well, not all the time, but still…_

_Okay, I'm sure no one cares about that, so I'll just finish this now…_


End file.
